Over-Seas Engagement: Can one be engaged and underage? I think i might be.....?
MANY QUESTIONS, JUST ANSWER THE PARTS YOU WANT: I am engaged and starting to feel trapped by my innocence! I am in a challenging over-seas relationship with a girl at war: Is it worth ending a strong love to sew wild oats??? Or is that foolish? Personaly does anyone have regrets marrying too young? Is a lack of sexual experience disabilitating down the road or is it a good thing? What's your opinion? Does a man become a man and "grows a set (of balls)" by sleeping with several women, or is it commitment to love and respect that makes a man? Answer the questions above and skip the rest, but here's some personal info for anyone who wants to know some about me and my engagement situation before responding. Also i've never asked a question over the internet and its wierd and new to me, and i realize relationship advice is the last thing you should ask over the internet, but i'm doing it anyways. Also, i know its me and me alone who needs to make a choice, but nonetheless curious of what others have to say. Its sort of a multi-quesion so i apologize, just answer the parts you want, and call me a dumby for asking certain things; i welcome harsh criticism. I'm 22 and engaged. My fiancee is currently serving our country over seas in Afghanistan. She is in the National Guard (which i've also just joined) and I have my associates degree and leave for Bootcamp and training in March. Anyways, there's the relationship obstacles. It's long distance, long term, and VERY little communication (letters every now and then). The dilemma? I'm getting cold feet and i dont know if i should pull out. I graduated high school a great student, religious (not so much anymore), and a virgin. 4 years later i've experienced my first sexual relationship with a highly "experienced" girl who i dated for 6 months...typical first love story ending dramatically and socially humiliating...now I am with my second sexual partner ever and it's great. She shares a similar story (one serious, sexual relationship before me, and both of us went nearly two years of no sex before meeting each other. We dated 8 months before having sex; I was 21, she was 19). Problems: my parents hate i'm joining the military and worse than that hate i'm engaged. And hate seems strong but they do. Not one congratulations, and disgusted faces when breaking the good news; my father actually told my fiancee "You're a nice girl, but I would prefer my son to be 30 before marriege, i only married his mother cause i got her pregnant" ha well he was born in the 50's and was and still is a weed smoking hipster who's been selling furniture for more than two decades; anyways the suppurt just isnt there and its gotten to me some (while i shouldn't allow it to) since her parents give me so much support with military and marriage decisions. Anyways i'm trying to reason for having cold feet because i'm feeling guilt, let me finaly get to the point: Mainly, she is 100% sure i'm the man she wants to be with forever, and i have felt that way before but no longer feel so. I try to act as the responsible realist in attempt to balance her care-free, dreamer ways; i realisticaly know war could change her, and my military training and transfering to a large university will change me. After boot camp at Fort Knox i go to San Antonio, TX for my medical training, and i hear it's a hell of a party town and weekends will be free to party. Being someone who's innocence is starting to feel disabilitating, should i wildly expore? I'm starting to feel i prematurely proposed. She really wanted the engagment and after taking me skydiving right before being deployed to war, it was more spontaneous than wise and i proposed to her just after landing from the jump....and now i'm afraid i've developed a new desire to "sew the wild oats", a strange, new desire that is starting to equal that of getting married. She is a great girl but i've never felt like this before....the "wild oats" thing. I always thought partying and promiscuity was foolish, but i've developed into a very attractive, younger male in his prime with a lot of hot female interest and i just feel maybe i should have fun then look for the girls of my dreams. I once thought my fiancee was that girl, and while i know i could have smarter and more attractive fall in love with me i don't know if i could ever replace the connection we have. I'm just content and she is so sweet and has invested her all into making me happy. I dont know if i can break her and her family's hearts. One month will be our two year anniversary and we picked August 1, 2010 as our wedding day (which would give us over 3 years of dating). Two years of dating including 9 months of long distance seperation due to war and military training. We've been engaged for only 4 months, none of that time we've actually been together, but she's been busy planning and writing to me about the wedding inbetween her dangerous missions driving hum-V'
Public Comments
- If you don't love her don't marry her. As far as the sexual experiences go beleive me you will REGRET it later. My first husband brought it up all the time. I would hate for you to give up something just to have more experiences, it is not worth it. If you think this is the right person save yourself-from any others. Get back in church PLEASE. Pray about this, turn back to God and he will lead you in the right path. I was once one of those "Hot" females and I regret all of those things I did. Please don't break her heart if you love her. I had a guy who broke up with me because he wanted to "party" and I have never been the same. I would have married him. Also, you can be engaged for as long as you want. Years even. If you are not ready reset a date for a later time.
- You are too young to get married not because you're 22 but because if you're even talking about sewing wild oats than you will probably end up doing so. All girls have a fairy tale in their head so don't let that be your reasoning to try to stick it out. I was in the military-I saw a lot of faithful spouses, but I saw a lot of "newlyweds" use their weekend passes as a free pass to cheat. It was a bit devastating, but you get this sense of "I'm invincible because after this, I could die a lot sooner than expected and I might get shot so these morals aren't such a big deal and this is my last chance to do this". It's kind of like you have this new life and you're going to live it how you want to live it come whatever. If your family's aren't supportive of it either, that's another bad sign. I know it's hard to break up with someone who is planning your wedding, but it's a lot easier to experience a break up than it is a divorce and who wants to be divorced at all let alone before the age of 25? I can almost guarantee that if you marry this girl, it won't last very long if all of what you said is truly the case...
- Do you feel like you have wild oats or that you should have them? Some people just don't have them. Are they normal? yes. If you love her then do what you feel is right. Men in our society are often pressured into being with many women and that makes me so sad. My fiancé was 22 before he lost his virginity... to me. We've only been with each other. I have nothing to base this on, but I feel like it's connected us in a more intimate way. It's nice to know that he hasn't been with a lot of girls. Could he have been? Was he pressured to by his friends? Yes. But I'm so thankful he wasn't. You ask the question "Is a lack of sexual experience an issue down the road or is it a good thing?" I don't think that it's the lack of experience because you can only have had one partner and had experience. What I feel like you're asking is the lack of partners disabling, no. Why does a person have to be with many partners to be 'experienced'. You don't love all those people, it's experiencing things with the person you love that makes it matter. I've chosen to marry young, at this point I don't regret it. Will I never regret it, I don't know as I can't tell the future. I love him, he loves me, we're ready that's all there is to it. For me, getting married at 20 was just a natural step... my age never was a thought. it was like getting a sip of water when you're thirsty, it was a natural movement like that. There is a moment when a male becomes a man... I'd venture to say it's not once thing that makes him a man. It's upbringing, it's character, knowledge, etc. Sex DEFINITELY doesn't make a man, I've seen a lot of little boys get girls pregnant. Your father sounds like an a** to me and your mom must be a saint or a push over to put up with it. Don't follow your penis, it'll only lead to trouble. Follow you're heart. If you truly love her. If you don't then for God's sake please don't get married. Maybe you should wait until she gets back... take time to be together. When is she coming back to the states? Take a year to get to know each other again then the next year for planning. Your wife should be your best friend, the other half that makes you whole. You never really mention truly loving her. It'll hurt her and her family if you break up with her... Will it hurt you? When you imagine yourself 70 years old do you imagine this woman with you? Why did you propose? If she wrote you a "Dear John" letter tomorrow... What would you feel? Relief? Sadness? Good Luck and God Bless your fiancee.
- you definitely should not be getting married any time soon!!! Almost everyone who gets married young regrets it and it end up divorcing later so that you can finally 'sew your wild oats'. you are much better off breaking up now, so you can do the 'wild oats' thing, then if it's meant to be with this person you guys can always get back together later. or if not you'll both meet someone else when you're older and ready to be married.
- One point I'd like to make is that just because you don't feel "in love" with her anymore doesn't mean you don't - or can't - love her still. The feelings fade... they do. And it's healthiest for the feelings to come back down to earth before the marriage so that you aren't suddenly left stranded and confused when it DOES happen.
